Has anyone seen my motivation.....I have misplaced it!

What is motivation exactly?
Well I looked it up and this is what I found

Motivation:
1. the act or an instance of motivating.
2. the state or condition of being motivated.
3. something that motivates; inducement; incentive.

what a horrible definition....I mean can you really use the word yo are trying to describe..IN the actual definition? doesn't that defeat the purpose? Thank you dictionary. com for explaining to me that being motivated means " the state or condition of being motivated" WOW what an epiphany. Ok maybe I am the slow one here....but is this word any more clear to you?

I guess I shouldn't become frustrated with the dictionary when really it is myself that I am frustrated....no....angry with. I can make all the excuses I want....but what happened to me.
I realize that I shouldn't compare myself and my behaviour of when I was training for the fitness show to now....wait...why shouldn't I?....I was so motivated....so calculated....I was happy...( mind you miserable at times given the circumstances) but I was energetic...I was busy and confident..driven...I was motivated...and well now....since that show...It has been all i can do to get my ass to the gym...and well....prepare my meals??? really?
It is like all that I have learned....everything I was for those 4 months has just vanished and now...I feel like a sloth....whose journey across the jungle could take weeks....ok so a slight exaggeration but regardless....

I feel like I don't know where I am, who I am or how to be healthy...its like I dont know who I am in my own body anymore.

I am not asking myself to train for 3 hours a day and be ridiculously meticulous in terms of what I eat....but I am asking myself to get out of bed every morning...do some cardio...lift some weights and lose 10 lbs....operation 5kg has been a major failure up until this point.
I have even tried to set small goals...and as a goal setter and someone who ALWAYS accomplishes what she has set out to do...I appear to be failing......badly.

I know that some of you will sympathize with me.....will think that I am being too hard on myself....but really I have given myself enough time to snap out of this hole I have dug for myself. WHAT IS GOING ON? I have been searching for the answer? what am I afraid of?... if anything.....why is this such a challenge that I cannot seem to overcome? I know in my head that I am the type of person who can make a choice and just do it....but with this...I am failing miserably...I cannot even journal properly....I am tired of making excuses....tired of failing......tired of looking in the mirror and not recognizing the person staring back ( and that's not just in a physical way)
I don't like the person I have become....I think I had somehow deluded myself into thinking I was starting to know who I was becoming...but tonight.....lately....i feel more lost than ever.